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Jan. 20th, 2016

competitiveness.

i think a large reason that i fail at a lot of things is because i'm unnecessarily competitive. idk...i think that's what it is. i think i want to be the best at everything and so i don't do anything because i see who and what is out there and don't think i can realistically best them. i want to be the prettiest, smartest, most successful woman in my vicinity. but i'm too self-conscious and too conscious of the great people around me. this is unhealthy because i shouldn't be wanting to triumph over these people who are doing wonderful things with their lives. to be clear, it's not a distinct feeling- wanting to outdo others, it's something that i've concluded after examining my own feelings and thoughts. it's not like i run around being jealous of others, but i've noticed that i feel a pang when others are doing better than me.

for example, today my dad started talking about my friend who came up in a local news article for a club that she's heading at school. i joined her club recently and all, but my dad was talking about how she's being smart by starting an organization like that because it will be a point of interest on her career record. the thing is, instead of just feeling elated that he was complimenting a friend, i felt jealous that my own father would praise someone other than myself, especially when i myself have headed clubs before and am a natural leader. it's true though. that she's doing a good thing for herself and for the greater good. but i want to lead something and do it better than her.

this is such a nasty, nasty thing. this post is a slap to my face, a fierce wake up call, to be HOLD myself to higher standards of...of human being-ing and friendship and integrity of spirit. also to a higher work ethic, determination to succeed, and vision for the direction of my life!

Jan. 10th, 2016

seriously guys.

is anyone else having this problem with their friends page?? it only shows a few posts and then cuts off? and there's no next page so i can go back and see what people have posted while i was gone...this is why i rarely come on here anymore...i couldn't find any solutions on google. idk what to do.

i also am thinking about two issues right now.

one is that i still haven't fully come to terms with the idea that i always feel alone now. i get distracted/distract myself by spending time with family or friends or watching tv or doing something to keep myself occupied, but then when i have a moment to breathe, i go right back to realizing, again, that i am alone. it's such a strange thing to be so damn aware of when you're used to being an introvert and enjoying alone-time. i relished it, but now i don't. why?? the only explanation i can fathom is that i'm getting older. now i just feel that nothing is enough. i don't get enough kakaos. i don't have enough social media to check out. i don't spend enough time with friends. i don't have enough friends. all this shit. makes me feel like shit. i'm afraid to let people go now because i'm afraid i'll be alone. i won't have someone to replace them. i know they'll come, but i don't know how long i'll have to wait to fill that void and that scares me a little. i'm not good at "putting myself out there." i don't know where to go, what to do. i don't know what the world outside of my apartment is up to. in an attempt to remedy my own problem, i've even asked my friends to introduce me to their friends and help me network, but since i don't even have many friends to begin with, and my friends aren't the most sociable people...no avail so far. i still can't believe that i finally know the feeling of being alone. am i finally raw and exposed to the cold, or did the numbness wear off?

secondly, i hate that i have mental illness. it already sucks in and of itself, but it's made so much worse by the stigma surrounding it. everyone that knows i'm dealing with it have been pretty understanding and supportive through it all, especially my parents, but i- i feel like my words might have less impact now. my words, my feelings, my rationality just might have less impact because i'm not of a "sound mind." but i AM of a sound mind. my mind is incredibly sound, i KNOW this, but who will believe me? who trusts me? this is my question, this is my fear. i don't know for sure if anyone thinks this way about me, but i'm worried that they might. it's unsettling.


obviously, this isn't life-threatening stuff, and no one is able to tell that i worry about these things, but they're there. i just hope i can resolve them quickly and effectively. that's my conclusion for every personal issue i reflect on, ha.

Dec. 21st, 2015

I NEVER COME TO LIVEJOURNAL ANYMORE

BECAUSE THE DAMN FRIENDS FEED PAGE ONLY LETS ME SEE LIKE. THREE POSTS. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KEEP UP WITH EVERYONE IF I CAN ONLY SEE THREE POSTS!??!?! IT PISSES ME OFF THAT THIS IS REALITY. lol. dramatic, but SERIOUSLY.

Oct. 27th, 2014

inspiration.

i've been receiving a lot of inspiration lately, from various sources. i've become really determined to bring success into my life, drag it if i have to.

the latest source of inspiration was miss a suzy's episode of healing camp. there's no denying it- bae suzy was blessed and, if luck really exists, lucky. she was blessed with a natural beauty, a multitude of talents, and a great personality. but that's not what impresses me about her. it's her GRIT. forget her nation's first love image, listen to the girl talk- she is just brimming with energy and determination and this...fierceness. she absolutely deserves all the success she's had because of how much effort she's put into doing her work well. she's never had interest in school or studying, but she had passion for singing and dancing, so she would practice at norebangs and chased after a dance team she admired and practiced her ass off with the boys. when she looks at the comments people leave after her performances, she feels disappointed and pissed off when all people notice is her looks, being recognized for her skills is her priority. the girl's been keeping diaries, but they're not so much diaries as they are logs of what she feels she needs to fix or improve on, what she's done well, and her determination for greater performance. her parents are so proud of her because, seeing her actually working hard for her passions, they realized she's someone who can achieve things. Read more...Collapse )

okay, i suddenly got pissed off and distracted from my train of thought, but it's okay- it's all along the lines of picking myself up and kicking ass. don't worry, 아빠, i'm gonna make you proud. 아빠가 저위해 원하셨던게 제가 제 인생을 잘 사는거였죠? 걱정마세요. 제가 여태 어리숙인 바보였는데 이젠 아니예요. 잘 할수있어요, 아빠. 절 지켜보세요. 사랑해요! 엄마 유투~

*runs off and cries*

Oct. 3rd, 2014

in between the flowing white clouds. chapter two.

A/N: Hi everyone! Wow, I know. It's been SO LONG. But I have decided I will finish this story because I already know how it's going to end and I need to get it out of my head. Thank you to those of you who answered my question about how you imagine the characters' appearances, but I decided to stick with how I originally imagined them. ㅋㅋ My friend is making a banner for me so you guys will see how they look very soon! Lastly, a very big THANK YOU to all of my friends who beta-ed this chapter for me and encouraged me when I was feeling insecure! amaelamin_fic , yeolmonster , and xdark_blue ! Y'all are the BEST. I know you're curious how MyungYeol meet, so let's go!

* * *

The next morning, Myungsoo’s eyes flew open as he was thrown into consciousness for no apparent reason. Hard remnants of a restless sleep dusted his eyes, and after rubbing them tiredly, he sat up slowly with a heavy sigh. Fuck. They had to do it. There was no other choice. Bound by the most insane (drunken) oversight in the history of law, the Kims had to marry Minha off to the crown prince of Korea. He saw no other way out of it, especially considering the other party was very eager, very desperate, and most importantly, royal.
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Aug. 15th, 2014

letter to my bf.

i'm supposed to be doing a lot of shit rn. but i have to write a letter to my bf rn. because i need to release this somehow.

to my love,

안녕? 내가 이편지를 쓰는이유는...요즘 내 마음이 힘들어서야...너가 많이 바쁜것도 이해하고 와이파이가 안터져서 자주 못연락하는걸 이해해서 많이 참을려고 노력하는데...너무 외로워. 남자친구가 없을때는 외로운것도 모르지...그냥 살던대로 사는거니까. 근데 남자친구가 있으면 그사람한테 어떤대우를 받는건지 아니까 안받으면 마음속에 빈틈이 느껴져. 그리고 자꾸 너가 나를 사랑하지않은다는 생각이들어...그게 진실인지 모르겠는데 남자가 여자를 사랑하면 어떻게 행동하는지 알거같애...그래서 너는 그렇게 행동하지않으니까...그런 느낌이들고. 너가 매일 사랑한다고 얘기해주긴하는데...행동이 말만큼 중요하잖아...너가 처음 나랑 다시 사귀게 됬을때랑 달라졌어. 넌 아니라고 하는데 나는 너의 마음을 못읽잖아. 나는 너가 하는말 보여주는행동들보고 네감정을 느끼는거잖아. 그래서 요즘 연락도 잘안하고 연락할때도 나한테 신경안써주고 말투가 너무 달라져서 네 마음이 바꼈는지 의심되. 너는 그런거 아닐수도있어. 알아. 근데 내 잎장에서는 그렇게 느껴져. 어쩔수없는거야. 하지만...이건 우리가 오랫동안 멀리 떠러져있어서 그럴수도 있다는걸 아니까 참고자하는거야. 우리가 다시 만나면 또 달라질수도 있으니까. 이편지는 헤어지자는뜻이 아니라...그냥 내마음이 어떤지 알려주고싶어서 쓰는거고 좀 맞쳐달라는부탁이야.

좀 아쉬운점은...너가 나를 사랑한다고 믿을려고 하는데...사랑하는사람은 내가 이런말안해도 그냥 스스로 눈치재던 아님 물어보던지 해야하는거같은데...너는 내가 어떤지 물어보지도 않고...그냥 맨날 미안하다고 만하고. 너가 미안해하는거 알아. 미안하다는말은 좋은데...고칠려고 노력하는게 더 좋잖아. 내가 적극적으로 너한테 이런말 안하고싶었어...왜냐하면...뭐 첫번제는 너가 그냥 스스로 알아서 신경써주길원했고 (그게 사랑의 증거잖아), 두번제는...너를 너무 사랑하니까...이런말하면 너가 헤어지고 싶어할까봐...말을못하겠어...내가 자꾸 뭐라고 하면 나한테 실증나서 사랑이식고 헤어지고 싶은맘이 생길까봐 말을못하겠어...근데 또 그건 좀 슬프잖아. 사랑하는사람있으면 그런 걱정없이 마음편하게 하고싶은말할수있으면 좋은데. 그리고 사랑하는사람이 내가 의지할수있는사람이되야하는데...나는 너한테 속편하게 말 다 못하겠어...너가 오해할까봐...너가 상관안할까봐...

너가 여자한테 사랑을 보여줄줄몰라서 그러는지 아니면 나를 진심으로 사랑하지않아서 그런지 모르겠어. 우리가 처음만났을때 나는 솔직히 이미 너한테 관심 조금 있었어...나이때문에 아니라고 계속 욱였는데...처음엔 나이를 몰랐고 그냥 느낌은 남자다워서 나도 모르게 좀 끌렸었던거같애 ㅋ. 아무튼! 근데 넌 자꾸 너는 나한테 관심없었다고 해서...내가 좋아서 사귀는건지 아니면 그냥 좋아한다고 하길레 사겨보는건지 모르겠어...나를 사랑하는건 알겠는데...사람들이 꿈꾸는 그깊은사랑말야...첫눈에 반해서 어쩔수없을만큼 사랑하고 어떡하던지 그사람이랑 함께하고싶은 사랑. 나를 깊이깊이 진심으로 사랑하는지 알고싶어...근데 우리가 5개월만 사겼으니까 그리고 넌 아직어리니까 모를수도있지 우리의 사랑이 그런사랑인지.

암튼...너무 사랑해. 그리고 보고싶어. 지금까지 사랑한게 신기하고 좋고 앞으로도 더 깊은사랑을 느끼고 싶고 더 뜨겁게 사랑하고싶어 ㅋㅋㅋ. 사랑해~ 빠염!

너의 여자친구가 ㅎ

Jul. 13th, 2014

(no subject)

i saw this ask meme regarding fics on tumblr (here) so i thought i'd answer it here.

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Nov. 2nd, 2013

WIP meme!

Post a single sentence from each WIP you have (or as many as you want to pick). No context, no explanations. No more than one sentence!

if i could just eat writer's block like a hunk of cheese...Collapse )

i usually don't do memes on here, but this one was tempting because it makes me feel like i have at least some shit in the oven. (lol) i am yet again reminded that i have work to do because it would irk me so bad to never finish these stories. but this meme makes me feel like an amateur (well, which i am) because i had no strategy in choosing the sentences to reveal, it was just "hey which sentence isn't complete shit and not too short?" also, seeing my own writing again reminds me how sad my writing skills are. what do i dooo. if only head-stories could write themselves perfectly the way they play in my mind. sigh.

Oct. 4th, 2013

it's been awhile

since i've written an angsty entry in here. it seems this is my go-to place to dump my personal problems. that's a bit irritating, considering that this is among dozens of blogs that i've created in order to divulge my inner stresses and overwhelming thoughts. when i reflect on myself, i think i'm a complex person, almost too complex to be able to be patient with. i have too many thoughts and i can't let them go most of the time and i end up distracting myself or tormenting my mind with my obsessive tendencies.

anyway, today...i'm feeling a bit down. i'm always on a roller coaster, each day is a toss up to see how i'll feel. i'm feeling down because of jealousy. i don't have too much experience with jealousy. it only occurred a few times in my life...feeling jealous of hair accessories that someone had, or the ease with which someone would socialize and gain the affections of many...shit like that. but since i rarely resurfaced out of my own little world, envy isn't too common an occurance. but anyway. i'm jealous of a fashion youtuber under the title "clothing meetings" lol i'm paraphrasing-ish her title because i don't want people barging in here and adding to my angst. but yeah i'm jealous of her.

damn. how the fuck did this start? i guess after i returned here from korea, i had nothing to do because i was so busy moping and emotionally wasting away, so i watched youtube alot and somehow i found her channel. i was curious because she looked like a happy little chinese girl and i wanted to see what she had to offer. turns out she has a lot to offer. she seems to be one of those magical people. who just wake up and are closer to perfect than the average person. who just naturally has this vibe that draws you in and makes you want to know her and be friends with her. her face isn't like rachel mccadams or anything, but somehow she is freaking gorgeous and you can't pinpoint why. she just is. everything from her voice to her fashion sense to her perspectives to her interests to her face and hair are just- spot on. even if you're not initially interested in the same shit she is, you find yourself nodding your head along and wondering if you should be liking the same shit because it sounds right. you know? one of those magical people. basically, one of the people that i've always wished i was. always.

what started as curiosity grew into admiration and then grew into this nagging envy inside of me. it's so fucking annoying, seriously. i just wanna enjoy her shit and appreciate her style and then do my own damn thing. but as i browsed her instagram today, i realized- i can't. do you know why? because i don't appreciate my freaking self. and i don't even really know myself.

it's pretty damn hard, near impossible, to simply appreciate someone without the jealousy if you don't fucking know yourself and love yourself. that's right. i don't think i know or love myself!!! my best friend asked me recently, "do you love yourself?" and i actually had to think for a bit. normally, i'd say "no i kinda hate myself" because sometimes i feel like i do...but instead, i came to the conclusion that "yes i love myself" on premise that seeing as i never give up on myself and constantly try to drag myself to where i want to be...i must care about myself a pretty fuckin' lot. but do i actually LIKE myself? like, if i could choose to be someone- would i choose to be me? (well, depends, what are my choices lol.) i don't think so. idk what's changed...a couple years ago...i was my number one fan. i thought i was hot (tbh) and smart and fun and kind and bright and just wonderful. but now i don't.

i don't fucking know myself. like this girl, the apple of my jealousy, is so fucking sure of herself. maybe not regarding certain things, but when it comes to her mindset, her personality, her style, her values, etc. - she's got them down and she sticks to them through and through. i KNOW that has to be one of the unseen qualities that draws people to her like myungsoo to sungyeol (i'm such a loser i put that shit in here wow). humans are drawn toward people/things that are sure. like germany- they followed hitler because he was so damn sure of himself and convinced everyone with his weird charisma that he's right. okay that is a terrible example, wow, i apologize. this is how my mind works omg. anyway! you know?

idk...i've always known this about myself, but i guess i never came down on myself too hard because i've always been so half-half about everything. my personality is .01 away from being a split personality. it's really fucking weird tbh. i am a weird balance of contradictions. so i couldn't really blame myself for being unsure of "who i really am", but now that i'm more of an adult than i used to be...i can't help but feel that i should be somewhere right about now...i should know some more about myself...be further along the line of self-discovery and insight. damn.

tbh, i think it takes your whole damn life to figure out who you are...i mean, who the fuck does it this fast? and wtf are you gonna do for the rest of your life now that you're in the know? you beat the game, you're done...what are you gonna do? restart? see...it doesn't make sense...it most definitely (imo) takes your whole life to do this shit. but! there are some people who have it together a little better than most others. those are the ones who i envy. because i always thought (ALWAYS) that i'm one of them...but i eventually became disappointed with the truth...that i am not. i am actually someone who is forever wavering, unsure, insecure, lacking charisma (you know the charisma that just brings all eyes on you when you walk into a room? like bruce lee? that kind), talentless, lazy, lacking ambition and vision, etc. like wtf am i actually GOOD at?! DISTRACTING MYSELF. that's it!

i want so badly to know who i really am so that i can introduce that shit to the world and be loved for it. there are so many things i want to do while i'm young and free. but there is so much holding me back. first of all, a lot of my goals involve a pretty face and...while i'm not ugly...i'm not goodlooking enough to go on camera. some people might say "that's life, get over it" but that's not how i fucking work. i can't let go of shit unless i have a very good fucking reason, and "that's life" is NOT a good reason in any universe of mine. i want to be beautiful and be sure of my character and have natural charisma that makes people want to watch me and befriend me and become inspired. i want that so badly.

i'm such a loser...sometimes i'll try to "study" what makes her so special...what makes her so beautiful and what draws us to her...it doesn't work. there isn't a special ingredient. that's what makes me crawl in envy...there's no way to suddenly gain what she has. it's natural and unique. i thought i had that shit too...but i know i can't be the same as her, much less "beat" her (which frankly, i'm not all that interested in). i don't particularly want to be like her specifically...but have the elements that make her stand out...only with my personal twist, you know?

i want to be myself...i just don't know what that entails. i guess now is the perfect time to find out...or create myself...but...it's so hard...it's not like i've never tried...idek how one would even go about that...self-discovery or self-designing...and plus, i always feel like i'm running out of time...i'm on a tight schedule and about to trip over the deadline...i know it's stupid...probably a misconception devised by freaking society, but i've fallen for it and can't get out.

i need to try though...i can't live with myself if i don't try for the things i want. that's one thing i'm sure of...i can't live with regrets...i already have so many. (well they're not full-on regrets...but things i could've done differently.) i wish i'd realized this sooner so that i would be at a different stage in life right about now...but since we're here in this universe instead of some alternate one...here we go. what am i even saying lol. i need to try to change and learn about myself or shape myself or whatever the fuck.

i can't sit around moping about. i hate that kinda shit. worst shit ever. i think a good starting point will be figuring out my freaking personality...what am i actually, seriously. i can't even describe to you...what my personality is like. i KNOW everyone has many different sides to them, but trust me (i've gotten told this many times before) i take it on a whole new level. i should probably figure that shit out so i can stop feeling so conflicted BY MYSELF ABOUT MYSELF.

second part may be...values? like...what do i truly value? before, i blinded followed the commonly shared ideas of my faith...but now...i'm not so sure on some things. other things i totally get jesus, like, he's brilliant and the truth. but...other stuff...(which i'm not even sure what he thinks about them) i'm not so sure anymore. it's got me really conflicted because ain't nobody wanna be ignorant about what they believe about certain shit! i want to know what i truly believe.

third...i think if i figure those first two out...the rest will follow, no? but other things i'd like to change about myself are:

-being more decisive
-being more secure in myself
-being less obsessive
-being less of a reactor and more of an initiator
-being more responsible
-being more consistent and perseverant about my goals

okay i think this is all for today...because there is nothing else i can really do. the bottom line is that i'm jealous of the girl, but i don't want to be HER...i want to be the best version of MYSELF i can like she is with herself. and i also want to be super pretty lol. anyway, there is not much else i can say, except that i am going try once again to fulfill my personal goal of figuring myself out and becoming a captivating individual in my own right.

goodnight.

Sep. 21st, 2013

ugh.

i had no idea i'd miss yeolmonster this much. damnit! i RAAAARELY ever miss people. i seem to be missing that...gene in my physical makeup. but i miss you! come back already (LOL it's only been a few days but i have no one else to talk to randomly, verbally attack with excitement about new ideas, pester for fic hints, rant to about personal shit, and shit).

since she's not here...i'll just post this here. i have like, three fics coming up. DAMNIT, I KNOW. i need to work on my other chaptereds, but these ideas won't DIE. freaking myungyeol, man. i even DREW a PICTURE of them the way i saw them in a dream (OMG I KNOW I'M SUCH A LOSER I SHOULD JUST GO HIDE UNDER MY BED). but idk if i'd ever post that picture online because...embarrassing lol. also, did you know that lee sungyeol is the most difficult person to get on paper? it's ridiculous. i'm blaming it on his impossible composition of being both undeniably pretty, yet handsome. like, you either make him too delicate or too...bone structure-y. IDK!!! God seriously did a thing in him. congratulations, God. (omg now i'm congratulating GOD on my lj...i...idek.)

so, for one of my fics...i'm challenging both angst and canon! for the first time in my pathetic fic-writing career (LOL i used the word "career" in reference to myself...i have some nerve). i wasn't gonna bother to write this shit because...i doubt i could give the thought any justice, but every night- all these ideas flow to me and WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. so now i'm on verge of writing it anyway...like, an empty word doc is opened right now.

this is why i need yeolmonster here so she can slap me and yell at me to get on with it (although i don't think she appreciates me writing myungyeol!angst very much haha).

fuck this, i'm just gonna do it. i'll just scrap it if i hate it. bye.

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