anyway, today...i'm feeling a bit down. i'm always on a roller coaster, each day is a toss up to see how i'll feel. i'm feeling down because of jealousy. i don't have too much experience with jealousy. it only occurred a few times in my life...feeling jealous of hair accessories that someone had, or the ease with which someone would socialize and gain the affections of many...shit like that. but since i rarely resurfaced out of my own little world, envy isn't too common an occurance. but anyway. i'm jealous of a fashion youtuber under the title "clothing meetings" lol i'm paraphrasing-ish her title because i don't want people barging in here and adding to my angst. but yeah i'm jealous of her.
damn. how the fuck did this start? i guess after i returned here from korea, i had nothing to do because i was so busy moping and emotionally wasting away, so i watched youtube alot and somehow i found her channel. i was curious because she looked like a happy little chinese girl and i wanted to see what she had to offer. turns out she has a lot to offer. she seems to be one of those magical people. who just wake up and are closer to perfect than the average person. who just naturally has this vibe that draws you in and makes you want to know her and be friends with her. her face isn't like rachel mccadams or anything, but somehow she is freaking gorgeous and you can't pinpoint why. she just is. everything from her voice to her fashion sense to her perspectives to her interests to her face and hair are just- spot on. even if you're not initially interested in the same shit she is, you find yourself nodding your head along and wondering if you should be liking the same shit because it sounds right. you know? one of those magical people. basically, one of the people that i've always wished i was. always.
what started as curiosity grew into admiration and then grew into this nagging envy inside of me. it's so fucking annoying, seriously. i just wanna enjoy her shit and appreciate her style and then do my own damn thing. but as i browsed her instagram today, i realized- i can't. do you know why? because i don't appreciate my freaking self. and i don't even really know myself.
it's pretty damn hard, near impossible, to simply appreciate someone without the jealousy if you don't fucking know yourself and love yourself. that's right. i don't think i know or love myself!!! my best friend asked me recently, "do you love yourself?" and i actually had to think for a bit. normally, i'd say "no i kinda hate myself" because sometimes i feel like i do...but instead, i came to the conclusion that "yes i love myself" on premise that seeing as i never give up on myself and constantly try to drag myself to where i want to be...i must care about myself a pretty fuckin' lot. but do i actually LIKE myself? like, if i could choose to be someone- would i choose to be me? (well, depends, what are my choices lol.) i don't think so. idk what's changed...a couple years ago...i was my number one fan. i thought i was hot (tbh) and smart and fun and kind and bright and just wonderful. but now i don't.
i don't fucking know myself. like this girl, the apple of my jealousy, is so fucking sure of herself. maybe not regarding certain things, but when it comes to her mindset, her personality, her style, her values, etc. - she's got them down and she sticks to them through and through. i KNOW that has to be one of the unseen qualities that draws people to her like myungsoo to sungyeol (i'm such a loser i put that shit in here wow). humans are drawn toward people/things that are sure. like germany- they followed hitler because he was so damn sure of himself and convinced everyone with his weird charisma that he's right. okay that is a terrible example, wow, i apologize. this is how my mind works omg. anyway! you know?
idk...i've always known this about myself, but i guess i never came down on myself too hard because i've always been so half-half about everything. my personality is .01 away from being a split personality. it's really fucking weird tbh. i am a weird balance of contradictions. so i couldn't really blame myself for being unsure of "who i really am", but now that i'm more of an adult than i used to be...i can't help but feel that i should be somewhere right about now...i should know some more about myself...be further along the line of self-discovery and insight. damn.
tbh, i think it takes your whole damn life to figure out who you are...i mean, who the fuck does it this fast? and wtf are you gonna do for the rest of your life now that you're in the know? you beat the game, you're done...what are you gonna do? restart? see...it doesn't make sense...it most definitely (imo) takes your whole life to do this shit. but! there are some people who have it together a little better than most others. those are the ones who i envy. because i always thought (ALWAYS) that i'm one of them...but i eventually became disappointed with the truth...that i am not. i am actually someone who is forever wavering, unsure, insecure, lacking charisma (you know the charisma that just brings all eyes on you when you walk into a room? like bruce lee? that kind), talentless, lazy, lacking ambition and vision, etc. like wtf am i actually GOOD at?! DISTRACTING MYSELF. that's it!
i want so badly to know who i really am so that i can introduce that shit to the world and be loved for it. there are so many things i want to do while i'm young and free. but there is so much holding me back. first of all, a lot of my goals involve a pretty face and...while i'm not ugly...i'm not goodlooking enough to go on camera. some people might say "that's life, get over it" but that's not how i fucking work. i can't let go of shit unless i have a very good fucking reason, and "that's life" is NOT a good reason in any universe of mine. i want to be beautiful and be sure of my character and have natural charisma that makes people want to watch me and befriend me and become inspired. i want that so badly.
i'm such a loser...sometimes i'll try to "study" what makes her so special...what makes her so beautiful and what draws us to her...it doesn't work. there isn't a special ingredient. that's what makes me crawl in envy...there's no way to suddenly gain what she has. it's natural and unique. i thought i had that shit too...but i know i can't be the same as her, much less "beat" her (which frankly, i'm not all that interested in). i don't particularly want to be like her specifically...but have the elements that make her stand out...only with my personal twist, you know?
i want to be myself...i just don't know what that entails. i guess now is the perfect time to find out...or create myself...but...it's so hard...it's not like i've never tried...idek how one would even go about that...self-discovery or self-designing...and plus, i always feel like i'm running out of time...i'm on a tight schedule and about to trip over the deadline...i know it's stupid...probably a misconception devised by freaking society, but i've fallen for it and can't get out.
i need to try though...i can't live with myself if i don't try for the things i want. that's one thing i'm sure of...i can't live with regrets...i already have so many. (well they're not full-on regrets...but things i could've done differently.) i wish i'd realized this sooner so that i would be at a different stage in life right about now...but since we're here in this universe instead of some alternate one...here we go. what am i even saying lol. i need to try to change and learn about myself or shape myself or whatever the fuck.
i can't sit around moping about. i hate that kinda shit. worst shit ever. i think a good starting point will be figuring out my freaking personality...what am i actually, seriously. i can't even describe to you...what my personality is like. i KNOW everyone has many different sides to them, but trust me (i've gotten told this many times before) i take it on a whole new level. i should probably figure that shit out so i can stop feeling so conflicted BY MYSELF ABOUT MYSELF.
second part may be...values? like...what do i truly value? before, i blinded followed the commonly shared ideas of my faith...but now...i'm not so sure on some things. other things i totally get jesus, like, he's brilliant and the truth. but...other stuff...(which i'm not even sure what he thinks about them) i'm not so sure anymore. it's got me really conflicted because ain't nobody wanna be ignorant about what they believe about certain shit! i want to know what i truly believe.
third...i think if i figure those first two out...the rest will follow, no? but other things i'd like to change about myself are:
-being more decisive
-being more secure in myself
-being less obsessive
-being less of a reactor and more of an initiator
-being more responsible
-being more consistent and perseverant about my goals
okay i think this is all for today...because there is nothing else i can really do. the bottom line is that i'm jealous of the girl, but i don't want to be HER...i want to be the best version of MYSELF i can like she is with herself. and i also want to be super pretty lol. anyway, there is not much else i can say, except that i am going try once again to fulfill my personal goal of figuring myself out and becoming a captivating individual in my own right.
since i've written an angsty entry in here. it seems this is my go-to place to dump my personal problems. that's a bit irritating, considering that this is among dozens of blogs that i've created in order to divulge my inner stresses and overwhelming thoughts. when i reflect on myself, i think i'm a complex person, almost too complex to be able to be patient with. i have too many thoughts and i can't let them go most of the time and i end up distracting myself or tormenting my mind with my obsessive tendencies.